o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
