your thong is hanging out like whoa
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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