Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
