12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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