??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
