if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
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And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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