Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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