and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
