Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
