My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
