Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
