It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
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A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
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I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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