sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
