The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize