I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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