you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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