Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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