Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
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After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
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There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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