You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
