If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
