I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
