It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
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Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream