I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly