I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
