I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
