Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
