I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
