Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
