I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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