Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
