Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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