i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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