I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
