At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
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Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
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I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.