Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP