I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly