Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
40s are totally the cure
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
