That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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