I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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