Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
