dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
