Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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