I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
