i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Terrible idea I love it
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
