i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
