i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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