I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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