anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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