ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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