So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
