To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
