TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
