3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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