You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
