I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I smell stomach acid.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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