You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
