Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
