I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
