The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
