Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
then he tried to convert me to islam
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
