Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
